What if Arnold Schwarzenegger Was a Method Actor?

And finally tonight, we explore one of the greatest actors of this or any generan! Although his career has had many controversies over the years, no one can argue that the contributions that this man has made to the thespian community over his storied career have been nothing less than stellar.

The face of cinematic perfection!
The face of cinematic perfection!

I of course am speaking of Arnold Schwarzenegger. The multiple Academy Award winner was unfortunately filming in Prague when asked for an in-studio interview. He is currently working on the latest entry in the Last Action Hero Franchise entitled, ‘Last Action Hero: Slater? I Just Met Her!’. Long-time Viewers of the program will be no strangers to the series that has given an eye-opening look into the Hollywood system and has been praised for it’s cutting witticism.

Women want me...Men FEAR ME!
Women want me…Men FEAR ME!

The statuesque actor did however provide us with some anecdotes from his soon to be released autobiography, ‘Get to da Choppa!’ an in-depth look into some of the muscular one’s acting processes and what will surely become required reading for the craft.

conan

Conan the Barbarian

Many scoffed at the ‘Austrian Oak’ when he decided to switch gears and leave his bodybuilding career behind in pursuit of acting. Many at the time saw his performance in ‘Hercules in New York’ (Credited initially as Arnold Strong) as a disastrous attempt at cinema trying to latch onto the popularity of bodybuilding.

Pumping Iron is a documentary...on my trip to Oscar gold!
Pumping Iron is a documentary…on my trip to Oscar gold!

What critics failed to realize is that Schwarzenegger only went into bodybuilding at the time so that he could pursue the coveted role of ‘Conan the Barbarian’. Based on his friendship with Oliver Stone, Schwarzenegger had a bit of an inside track. It was with Arnold in mind when Stone wrote and sold the script, So Arnold hit the gym…Hard. While training his body to the peak of physical perfection, the local gym rats convinced him to enter a local competition and set the wheels in motion. Arnold simply took the role of Hercules so that he could keep his acting chops fresh while he awaited Conan to get underway.

Criss cross, applesauce. The way a true Barbarian waits.
Criss cross, applesauce. The way a true Barbarian waits.

Odd looks turned into joyous rage, however when Ah-nold won his first (of eight consecutive contests). When asked what his goals were after his first victory, He merely replied, “To crush my enemies! To see them driven before me! And to hear the Lamentations of the women!” He then picked up one of the models hired for the show and went backstage. Scriptwriters will note how this line made it into Conan the Barbarian but was not written by Oliver Stone as he famously tries to claim credit.

These actors are always saying they ad-libbed the best lines. It's a conspiracy!
These actors are always saying they ad-libbed the best lines. It’s a conspiracy!

Terminator

terminator-arnold-as-terminator__131206182643

Many are more familiar with the Terminator film due to its controversies more so than the actual film itself. While legal injunctions prevent us from talking about certain actions taken by Mr. Schwarzenegger during the filming process, we extended invitations to Linda Hamilton, Maria Conchita Alonso, and Rae Dawn Chong for personal interviews. Each one understandably declined. Maria Conchita Alonso famously retired from acting after her experience on The Running Man and Rae Dawn Chong spends all of her time with her father, Tommy Chong, who is either campaigning to get marijuana legalized or getting arrested because of it. Linda Hamilton gave no reason for her decline but wished us all the best in gathering information on the, “demented cocksucker”. We can still look at the processes the devoted thespian will commit himself to so that he can get ‘in-character’.

Photo taken outside a diner in Pasadena. The film crew had taken a much needed vacation day.
Photo taken outside a diner in Pasadena. The film crew had taken a much needed vacation day.

For the Terminator, Schwarzenegger totally immersed himself into the role. Unfortunately, the surveillance tape that caught Schwarzenegger purchasing guns at a local shop then shooting the proprietor have been locked away into police evidence. Some have questioned some of Schwarzenegger’s methods but a shop owner who fails to press charges and an Academy Award nomination put those questions to bed.

 

Predator

predator

The story of how fellow method actor Jean Claude van Damme was foolishly cut from playing the title creature in the film is fairly well known. What few film buff are not aware of however, is that Ah-nold threw his friend a bone and personally hired him to help prepare for the role. With the help of Stan Winston, van Damme dressed in the full on make up of the predator every day and hid throughout the set, giving old Arnie the feel of being hunted.

Preparing for the role.
  Preparing for the role.

On one of the last days of filming, things came to a fevered pitch. The heat had been getting to him and Director John McTiernan had finally convinced Schwarzenegger to take a break. Never one to break character, he simply sat in one of the mud pits and waited for the crew to return. He didn’t realize that that the crew had left several cameras running.

come-on-do-it-now

A few bushes started shaking. Arnold was alert to van Damme’s presence. He listened in an attempt to locate his hired huntsman. Suddenly, a stick cracked loudly. Schwarzenegger had had enough. “Come on…Come on…Do it!! I’m here…KILL ME!!” as the crew returned they found only a screaming actor and an entry to one of the most iconic speeches in cinematic history.

 

That’s all we have for tonight. I hope you enjoyed our brief look into the acting prowess of one of cinemas juggernauts. What more can be said of this brave Adonis…this, Cadillac of men. I have been your host, Topper Bottoms. Good night.

 

Hey guys,

 

This is your friendly Cinematic Apocalypse writer letting you know that this has been a work of fiction. Which is pretty obvious but I wanted to let everyone know. I’m not one of those asshole comedy writers who like to do things Meta like Andy Kaufman or Joaquin Phoenix. I have been a great fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger films for well into four decades now and not once was it ever because of his acting. This was just a kind little poke at one of my favorites all done in fun. If you like this kind of thing go ahead and hit that subscribe button. In the words of Beard Meats food, “Leave me some love and show me that you care. All you need to do is Like, Subscribe and Share!”

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